“I could never do what Tiger Woods did…I f***ing hate golf!” Although as always with RyanAir, it does land slightly outside of New York. “RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.” (Photo: Getty) “When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.” “People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. “People who think there’s no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase ‘Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack’.” “I think the anti-speeding advert should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.” I hope that if the experiment’s successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.” “Scientists have just built the world’s biggest supercollider, and they’re doing experiments to see what makes up protons. “What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you’ll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show.” “Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.” He then took out his keys and went inside.” And there was a guy leaning and p*ssing against a front door. “I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o’clock at night. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.” “It’s good they’re holding the Olympics in the East End of London.

“Three Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.” “Corbyn sounds like a dreadful town, dresses like a catalogue model for the Sue Ryder shop and won’t look significantly different when he’s been dead for a week.” But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.”

“People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. “Animals don’t watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat.” An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into envelope.” “The worst person at controlling a party since Michael Barrymore.” (Photo: Getty) “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.” “We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year.

Until We End by Frankie Brown